My purpose for making this journal public is to inspire deeper thought and action to those who are seeking themselves for deeper meaning and understanding in life.
There are no two of us the same but all it takes is small insights gleamed from others that ring true and relevant to our unique quest, in our present moment. Thereby moving us forward in our own journey.
This journal begins with a bit of my background so you know somewhat of where I am coming from. The next entry will speak to a shift I experienced a couple of days ago and I will record my insights, shifts and changes from the present moment to…
These are my personal thoughts, insights, and lessons learned as I head out on my adventure and life changing renewal.
I have many teachers and therefore may not always remember where my insights are gleaned from previous to starting this journal.
I apologize in advance for any quote I may apply to these writings where I have not given credit to the author of them. Feel free at anytime to contact me if I have crossed a boundary that infringes on your personal property and I will immediately apply the credit where it is due, as well as, publicly acknowledge my error when I receive notice of it. I have been very scattered and unorganized in my quest up to this point. And I was not aware over the last couple of years that I would ever be telling my story publicly, I did not see any need tor remembering where I read or heard anything.
May 6, 2017
Last night my life changed. It was very subtle, yet deeply profound. My entire sense of being is at a new level. There are really no words to adequately describe it. But would definitely fall into the category of a “major shift”.
I have been searching for the last year. Trying to connect with the Lord and know my purpose on a much deeper level, deep within, not outside of myself.
I know He is within by instinct, by small tidbits of insight throughout the years, and by scripture.
As a lifelong seeker of “all things true” , an avid dissector of “all things unjust”, and an avid believer of “life is just what we make it” I have managed to remain fairly calm and unstressed even in adversity. Contemplating my way through abandonment by my husband of 21 years when he left and went overseas to avoid child support. “My” action, “which I do not regret,” gave me “my” consequences. I had given him an ultimatum and he choose.
I became a single mom of 7 children ages 3-17 with no advanced education. I had been a stay at home mom for those 21 years and had never graduated high school. It was a struggle of the biggest kind. Then 8 months later me and the children were rear-ended by a young man driving drunk at 175km/hr. It was 2 am, in the middle of the Rocky Mountains and very, very dark. The van was ripped open like a sardine can and 7 children were thrown out somewhere into the pitch blackness. It happened on the Trans Canada #1 Highway right outside of Banff, Alberta. I recall the terror of hearing the children’s moans and small voices in the distance calling “mom… mommy…” but not being able to tell where they were coming from. The voices appeared to be from all directions. I called back “it’s ok guys, mommy’s here” – “I’m coming!” but my mind was freaking.
I got on my knees and started sweeping the ground in large circles with my hands as I skittered a few more steps on my knees. Reaching out as far as I could, trying to connect with an arm, a leg, anything that resembled a child. I couldn’t find them and my heart was beating so loudly in my ears that I yelled at it to “STOP!” “I can’t her the kids!” – I started praying. As a matter of fact the friend that was driving us to Calgary from Vancouver, said I was screaming out constantly the words ”In Jesus Name” over and over and that it was echoing back from the mountains very clearly.
I don’t remember that part, but it does not surprise me as I trusted the Lord for everything. What I do remember is finally after what felt like forever, I stood up and begged God out loud, very loud “Please Dear God, help me now! I can’t find them!”
I will never forget my next prayer, as life has never been the same since. In calling to HIM for help I had become crisply aware that although these were my children, they were also a gift from God. HE created them, HE Blessed me with them, and HE could take them back anytime He wanted to.
My prayer was “ Oh Lord I know they belong to You, I know I could have done so much better, I am so sorry. In the name of Jesus I beg you to let them stay, I promise I will do better. But if you decide that any of them can not stay, I totally know You love them even more than I do and I accept your decision… But please Lord… let them stay.”
As soon as I stopped there was a “Peace” that I still can not describe adequately, came over my entire being. It started at the top of my head, with a warmth and comfort that flowed downward slowly, like an unfolding blanket, all the way to my feet. At that moment a semi – truck crested the hill and his lights shone on the 4 westbound lanes where three of the children lay on the pavement. I watched without fear or emotion, almost like watching a movie… it was all so surreal and slow motion.
I then saw him manoeuvre his truck sideways across the lanes and realized he had been moving slowly. He had seen the lights of the van as we flipped around in the air and knew something was wrong up ahead. He had just made a barricade for my children laying on the pavement. I fell back to my knees again, crying and praising the Lord again very loudly with echos. Still feeling the warmth, peace and comfort, knowing everything would be ok.
The truck lights shone in the meridian that was in between the other 4 eastbound lanes where my other 4 children laid. The entire contents of the factory camperized van were strewn out across all 8 lanes and the meridian. People came from their cars bringing blankets and calmly I laid the blankets on the grass and started gathering my children onto them then covered them with other sleeping bags also donated. The three up on the west bound lanes I could not move as they were older and there was blood everywhere. two were unconscious and the one that was sitting up was so blood soaked it was unreal. I told her to lay down till the ambulance got there… she replied”I can’t mom… if I do I will die”. I calmly assured her she could stay sitting up and not to worry…I asked her “Who is in charge here? and she answered “Jesus is of course… mom”. She then told me to go to the little kids as she would be fine. What followed was a series of miracle after miracle that no-one can explain but it would fill a book. And I will write it… someday.
I tell you this much to help you understand the first major shift in my life. I went from holding the biggest self centred pity party, being abandoned with seven mouths to feed to being so unbelievably grateful for what I did have…my children. Everything else in life was of no value in my eyes…only life itself!
The Lord then allowed me my next biggest lesson and life shift. And yes it will be in the book too!
We returned home to Vancouver over a month later (after the accident). Partially recovered and able to leave Calgary and the hospitals behind. School was starting in two weeks and we had to regain some sort of normalcy in life. My mom lent us her truck and back we went… But upon our return it was discovered there was someone else now living in our home. I had forgot… with all the chaos of the accident and recovery to inform my landlord of what had happened, or pay him the rent (which was due three and a half weeks earlier. It really wouldn’t have mattered anyway. My brain was only focused on my children recovering and all of the money in my bank had been spent keeping the medical needs and food requirements going in the mash 4077 unit we had set up at my sisters which housed us all, as each was released from the hospital. My mind did not even comprehend the fact that I had not paid the rent all the way home and it was a 13 hour drive!
According to the neighbours the landlord threw all our belongings and furniture out into the driveway and re-rented the house. Everything was gone… so now we are back home , no job (it was gone too), not even a pair of socks, a fork, a piece of toilet paper… let alone a crumb of food, and no money. Another fresh awakening…
We moved in with a friend while I tried to figure out what my next move was. I had to stay within the district of White Rock in order to keep my kids in their school. I went to social services and told them my accident story… not much compassion there. They gave me a one time cheque for $900 and a card to cover prescriptions… Another friend had a 245 sq ft wartime house that she wanted out of and offered it to me. The rent was $800/month. I took it1 I was very grateful for the blessing. My disposition of all that matters is life itself had not really changed much since the accident but I now knew food, shelter and clothing was pretty important too. Both my children school and our church provided food, and clothing. My statement to any who asked how I did it was “ it’s bigger than a tent, warmer than a tent, and I have running water, a fridge, and a stove…what more can you ask for?” The arrangement I put together in that tiny house was God given and a complete masterpiece of multi-use/multi-purpose space. We ended up living there for 18 months before being able to afford to move on. To this day, that house holds the most cherished memories of childhood for my children. But again the story will be in the book, as it is far to much info for this post.
To this day I place no value on stuff of any kind, I can take it or leave it, food – shelter – clothing, beyond the basics… nothing matters. It might be nice, it might be fun, it might be pretty… IT IS A WANT not a need and there is a big difference. Life and the ability to sustain it is all that truly matters.
Change your Focus<>Change your Life